I surrender

It's the last week for hall stay for two of my good friends here. Which is a big part of the reason why im still here, even though my holidays have already officially started- to spend quality time with them and enjoy their last few moments of hall life together. It has been so extremely awesome and it feels really sad for me to bid farewell to them - they have played such a large part in my settling down here, rooms to which i can seek refuge when i feel so ultra pressured and just to sound all my thoughts out... without a doubt im gonna miss you guys alot - ABC and Anwar :(

And suddenly I've the sinking feeling that im not doing the right thing. Even though I know I havent found out the reason yet, why I should be staying or not, and that's why Im still here, and am still going to be here next semester. I thought I was so sure, but then again some things and thoughts throw me off again...

God has been slowly showing me more answers day after day, giving me more light at the end of the tunnel (the light of which does not come from an oncoming train haha) and responding to my anxieties. Without a doubt, He has really been my refuge this time round and a source of comfort for me every night when im so drained and tired after school, trainings or activities.

I think I have given myself alot of unnecessary pressure this semester and alas my body succumbed to it during the peak period of performance, during the exams. Right before two of my most major topical exams im taking this sem (my major and minor/ major) History and English linguistics exam, I think my body couldnt take it anymore and it started with a fever and sore throat.. usually the fever subsides after a night and the sore throat after 3 days, but this time it was the other way round, with the sore throat disappearing but the fever going up... I slept real early the day before my history paper and didnt cover half the syllabus. I went for the exam almost like everyone else, just that my head was blocked and couldnt really hear properly (now I understand the severity). Sat through the 2 hours paper surviving on the chicken's essence and a good breakfast. Came back to hall, slept the day away and that night my fever went up from 38 to 38.6 plus and it wasnt good at all.. Thank God for seniors who kinda forced stubborn me to see the doctor.

With a pile of medicine and 2 huge stacks of notes of English (linguistics) to mug by the next day, I really questioned myself: Why now, why now, why now of all times?

I really wanted to score for history, I wanted to make sure my last 40 % was top notch because i knew it was possible. I wanted to do so very well for english because it is indeed my passion. But somehow things didnt seem to want to turn that way. the unexpected happened ( I havent been sick since June) and my fever didnt go away despite sleeping as it always does.

Equally bad was the prospect was not being able to take part in the Stan chart marathon this sunday... just 3 days more and im still heaving... dont think i can breathe properly much less control my breathing if anything...

Everything me and me planned failed. I wouldnt be exaggerating to say it was an epic fail. By this time I aimed to have done well for my last two papers especially and be well on my way to running 20 km already, so that Ill be ready for Sunday. Everything me and me failed.

It just goes to show how much I depended on myself, for something that I wouldn't be able to, anyway. I refused to give in and give up, now I know.

Lord, I said, earlier in a few posts that Everything that has been given to me was given by You, and that Everything I'll do now, I give it up to you.

And still I'll say, take my bad results, take my inability to hit my target this sunday, take my epic failures and make it a triumph in Your eyes, for thats whats the most important.

I surrender.

***

On a lighter note... the holidays are here! Have been out ever since the hour I was liberated (can expect my sister to hiss here, yea right whats 1 sem out of 4 horrific years right). Ive really been treasuring my time because I know i have little of this year left already... I need to settle my christmas list by the time i fly off (16th december) and getting myself ready for the New Year as well...(will be back in Singapore only on 3rd Jan, of which school starts a week later). Besides this, the USP WMYC team has to churn out some important details before I leave, need to boost my stamina up for roadrace trainings and more cross training etc... just so many things to do yet again. And of course, pass driving and my music assessments... meet up with the dear army boys for an early christmas celebration...

other than that, I think the holidays will be awesome cos the senior guys have already ORD-ed :D and got a few plans up our sleeves:D

till then till then, I need to rest. dont even have energy to mambo today.
Quote my reply to Mathew " i think our block kinda died after exams hahah"

But still, the holidays are here.
Really really Thank God. ok I'm gonna sleep early today, wake up early tomorrow for a solo long run:D

Night..:D