I've got a funny feeling. Indescribable.

omg I need to stop screwing up really. I was hoping to maintain my cap sem, and now its just a glimmer of hope. If a strong wind blows tomorrow, this glimmer is going to be diminished.

We shan't let this "go down without a fight" though like what Nash and then Dorkie said. haha. :'(

Studying for exams have only been semi-part of my life these 2 weeks...there are bigger things in life to balance, I guess.

One of my friends (who doesn't stay in hall) always asks me how I cope with this lifestyle -- one whole new dimension to life -- real world politics (this gets even more real over time) with one whole new group of friends from yet again, all different walks of life. Also, having to do so many extra-curricular stuff, and still coping with studies.

I always shrug my shoulders and say "huh, idk, just do lor" haha.
I think sometimes a way of coping is compromise.

Its choosing what you compromise in that tells what kind of person you are, after all. And not when you are living a comfortable life having little need to make important choices for yourself -- life should be pretty boring then, at least thats what I think.

Does that mean, if I choose to not accept the offer of hall stay for Year 2010/2011, im not even giving myself the opportunity one more year of so many many more lessons, and invaluable friendships? Or maybe I should quit and not put myself into this place, which seems very unfamiliar sometimes.

I still have 4 days to decide.

5 days more

Im nearly convinced that somehow, guys can handle exam stress better than girls... they dont seem to be countinually counting down the days/hours...and they still see the importance in having proper meals, while people like me can well...not eat. It doesn't really make a difference to me at least! haha. Unless of course, I'm hungry! Unless of course, its just the group of people im studying with!

Secret location is awesome to study:) and last night after getting back and taking a warm bath, went back to my room and found a plate of lemon pie (yum!) on my table with a note that said "Don't say I never give you food!:)"

I like study weeks, because you can have the time to yourself, finally.

This is a far contrast from what I have on my plate now: Mountains of work to study and Paper 3 still yet to begin with. I repeat: This sem's a gone case. :s

P.S You still love me, I hope:p

Command 2010

One sem has flown by, Semester 2 was especially quick for me.
It was swift, draining, yet fulfilling.

Colourful portfolio as colourful as the post-stics on my door: Now I just need to get my academics back on track. 10 days.

Timebomb!!

complain queen

Have you ever felt like a complain queen? Htht-ing to people I select very exclusively (I feel a little bad here), and thus I have been particularly feeling like one these few weeks... and even my body is getting irritated with myself -- Pangs of wanting to puke and dizzy spells...so strange. And no, I dont have low blood, in fact one of the things I know of myself really well is how good my blood circulation is, haha by the sheer fact that I become as red as a lobster after a run...it scares everyone...

So, I packed my bag and went home on Tuesday right after Nation Building Lecture! Missed Command in hall:(:( Wednesday was spent at home, and while making bread for myself, like walking around the kitchen, I had a sudden urge to collapse again! omg, so like I literally ran to the couch in my living room and lay down. I feel bad for making my mum feel so worried:(:( but I ended up sleeping till noon, and after that it was smses that kept me alive, and kinda getting me through my work. Exams in ELEVEN DAYS, YO?

Anyway besides my health, which, is of course, not going too well, I have been trying to get my life back on track. For many it would seem like it has been going okay and normal, but for a few of you who know me all too well, thank you so much:) Really these few weeks have been hell and Im not sure how I would be still alive for you guys.Those timely smses, those msn convos (even when im appearing offline), those encouragements (thanks Chiawen, I hope you see this:)), I guess things aren't that bad as it may sound, but still.

In terms of schoolwork, I think I honestly put too much pressure on myself, thats how I am really so I dont complain to people how foolish I can be sometimes, but sometimes I really want to stab myself, especially today! after talking to Prof Huang, omg. Can you imagine, he thought I was having some serious bgr and family problems?? hahaha. cos he expected much more frm me, after checking my background of being in vj and being in usp and all, like omg! shocked! So I told him about the other modules I was doing (taking too many on my plate), having lots of non-academia things to do and err, the basic fact that I start on term essays the night before, rushing out incoherent sentences and handing it up, finally, 15 min late too. He was relieved and I was glad I put his mind at ease I guess, but hurr, if he thinks this way, I think Dr. Tan thinks so too, since these two mods were kinda put in the backseat. :(

But then I came back, and looked through my whole life again. Starting from Sem 1 -- Highly active in Cross Country, shaved personal p.b by quite a lot, settling into hall and getting into gazillion comms, passing my big music exam; getting into WMYC Student OC, picking up and playing Touch Rug for IFG; and getting a pretty satisfactory cap, which left me in pleasant shock while in Dubai:)

BUT Sem 2: NO time for Cross, finishing hall committments + HPB; tasked with recruitment for WMYC; roadrace IFG; Writing Mod for USP and being nearly twice as busy then sem 1 = no way am I going to get that cap again. And this realisation has made me really depressed, and wondering if everything is worth it. To lose something that came not as easily as I would have liked it to be?

I emailed my sister, and asked her to help me judge from her very third-person perspective, haha. She doesnt even see me day to day, so its pretty unbiased. She said, my two pages worth of CCA committments, would be what I remembered next time. However, she said studies would be what people looked at, next time. She then left it up to me, if I am affected by what people judge me from my grades, then I should quit hall, go home, and iron out my life with books, and get married soon enough and live life as its supposed to be. No point wasting time knowing more people whom we may get inspired by, only to be disappointed. No point doing things other than studies, since those things dont bring us the grades, or the Masters Scholarship I want. No point.

Perhaps, perhaps thats a way out. At least it will release me of the stress I put myself in -- working so hard for committees, be in faculty, hall or ccas. I should just be a 'normal' student, go home, work hard, get a few tuition kids and get rich asap.


It's this semi-conviction, that I should stop being so willful and doing things that other people dont really have the chance to do so anyway.But its my heart which calls me back.

Just 3 hours ago, when I decided to have one of the last meals this sem with my block, (cos eating hotpot tmr awesomezz!) I joined the block comm to jio people. Walked past da zei's rm and he was asking where I had been. That was atimely reminder that im often out of sorts, when im not around, or not well.. and be it telepathy or not, the time he wanted to find me (the time I was home) was coincidentally the time I probably need that particular htht the most.

The humanly feeling which makes you go all warm and homely at home -- how to make this known on papers and how to tell my employers next time? I mean, I dont think I was just born to give you good results. I dont want to be, even if you give me the chance.

So how, where do we go from here?

Open-ended questions are the easiest to score in exams (at least I think so) but the hardest to answer in life.

I dont feel like zaiyi today man!
I'm upset cos I didnt do the matching questions well this morning, and it wasn't really because I chose not to study, I just didnt have time?

-Friday's dinner with the girls was already made up...by staying up till 6am at Mochtar to finish the proposal with v-almond so that I didnt need to stay in the next day...

- Saturday was spent on rewriting Paper 3 - draft due tomorrow 10am...and due to its intrinsic level of difficulty, of course 1 day wasnt enough..

-Sunday was my Grandpa's death anniversary, followed by music lesson...presentation and preparation for exams coming up real soon.

-Reached home dinner time, worked on my Paper 3 more...because I knew I'd only have 4 hours today to complete it...

- Started studying for pop culture test at 11pm. Slept at 1am because i was home, and sleeping patterns at home are normal (thank God). Realised I only had half my pop culture file anyway.

- Conscious choice to breeze through the test. urgh.

- Just finished ISM interview with Jie Hui.

- WMYC Secretariat in an hours' time, till 8pm.

-Free (not for dinner) to finish Paper 3, till 10.

- HPB: 10pm.

- Sleep.

= Haven't started revision for exams, in < 14 days time.

DONT BOTHER SAYING ANYTHING/ ENCOURAGING ME, ILL FIND IT WITHIN MYELF SOON ENOUGH. THANKS though.

Its coming to the end of my first year in university! I guess it has really been quite awesome, and though there are some things you know which you prefer not to know about life, its there for a reason...

I'm thanking God for taking me in hand this year, and for a handful of very good friends I know I can turn to always.

Praise the Lord.

After this crazy period, I'll be catching up alot on sleep, continue my running stinct, earn some good money and then spend it on some awesome trips:)

For now, its



P.S Carol just told me Nation building grades got pushed up 2 grades, cos the average was a C+ for the whole cohort! woooo:):)

Sorry Hiatus isn't really working

After the long weekend at home, and the peaceful Christian fellowship from my loved ones that I've experienced, I guess I have really come to a conclusion on many many things in my life.

For one, there's really one undeniable thing - I know I've said this many times, but I think I'm awesomely blessed by God. I've so many good things to count my blessings for, and although I may not be the most perfect person some other people may seem to fare better in, I know that given this time and circumstance, God's grace is indeed sufficient for me, and I should be content with that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not living in a bubble, or attempting to live in one. Baldwin and Eeghim were kidding today on how one of our team mate's signature in his email was something which went like "A vision for tomorrow brings a better future" or something and they were saying how they would like to return the email which said a signature like "There's no hope in tomorrow. Just study." Sometimes it really seems like we are caught in this crazy rat race, and we cant escape but to just be jaded with life and get things done. Well, sometimes when im really tired and burnt out, I succumb to this, but I often regret later on.

I guess one of the reason's why we were given a life, in the first place, was to experience life - for all its trials and tribulations, up and downs, joy or pain. If you dont feel pain, you dont know what joy is. And I guess this rings especially true for me since this year and the last has been most telling of what life can really be like. I can safely say I've experienced joy in the highest sense- and yes it wasn't experienced alone... the feeling of being invincible were there when we were together, no matter where we were. The immense feeling of joy every morning when I woke up, was irrepressible. But it was also this joy that made the pain all so bad and heart-wrenching. Im not sure if you've ever felt something heart-wrenching , yes but it really hurts, and I would never like to go through that again.


Also, the passing of my maternal granny and my paternal grandpa was as heart-wrenching, seeing my parents' grieve made everything 10 million times worst and for that no matter how busy I am, I have made a promise in my heart to always visit my grandparent's grave with my parents, whether at Qing Ming or an important date on the Chinese Calendar.

I guess one of the things I feel ready to talk about, is also about my parents. Yes Hwee, I've only told you so far! Well, they can be considered separated, and although we live under the same roof, nothing else seems to bind them. Not one word is exchanged between them and me and my sisters are often the medium the communication. I dont know exactly the history, but from young, its something I've learnt to get used too. It's most frustrating sometimes, especially when my sisters aren't in town, and im the only 'medium' left to deal with the situation. Now you guys can piece together the picture...why my family has so many cars, and why when my "parents" fetch me its just either my Dad or my Mum, and why when I go overseas with my family, I tend to want to fly back earlier, albeit alone, its to spend time with my Dad who will be staying in Sg, and many many million other considerations for me to always think twice, of how my decisions affect the two parties or the relationship between them.

One result of this, is also my inability to fully overtly convert to Catholicism or Christianity, because it will cause further breaks in my family, since my mum is Catholic and my Dad is Buddhist. I cant convert yet, because I cant bring myself to show im leaning to favouring of one side. For that, I really treasure every time I still am able to go to church with my mum, albeit with no Dad's blessing, but at least no hard feelings I guess. For that, I really treasure my relationship with God because it hasn't been easy and I am fully thankful I am always kept in His sight, because I 100% believe that He is the only one who fully understands me at any point of time, simply because life is way too complex for me to fully digest it and for anyone else who isn't in my shoes, to understand. And yes, despite hard times, my positivity is the greatest gift from God. And there is nothing I can be more thankful for.

But today, despite going through the tears and fears, I genuinely feel like I've come out of the whole episode, definitely not unscathed, but rugged, in the ability to deal with my emotions more maturedly and calmly. Sure I still snap at people and get agitated, but I think I look at issues at a more broader perspective - seeing how some peers at the same age have such great disaffections at the things which are perhaps the most unimportant to me makes me think again of what God has put me through, yes, what He put me through and think again of His Purpose for me in this life.

My Purpose in Life, I would like to think, is to be a walking creation of God's love, and to have a little positive impact on every single person I meet.

There was my renewal this coming Christian year, and now that God has Risen, its time for A New Beginning.:)

***
Have to wake up in 3 hours, running to West Coast with Yanyan... then macs breakfast!:):) After that its studying with Sijia till lecture, Writing MOD then DU all the way till night. BUSY day but im looking forward to it.

TIll another time, love, meiyi

April Fool's

I dont get it.

Is tricking people into believing that today was your birthday, when it really isn't, funny? At all?

This has seriously got to be the worst April Fool's joke, ever. For a lack of creativity or not, period.

This reminds of the Elizabethan England 17th Century. Not that I have ever been there, but hey, somewhat!

Just got back from my very first presentation in NUS:) It went well!:)

To Andrea and Marcus, quote classmates, "SPOIL MARKET!":)

This was our thesis:

Besides the purpose of literary and theatrical entertainment, a deeper examination of William Shakespeare’s A Midsommer Night’s Dream (AMND) reveals much more. With one of the time’s prominent literary writers using English language in such an intriguing manner (there are nuances between the use of language between all five groups of characters in the play!), this highlighted a phenomenon in which English language is used differently by characters placed in distinct contexts. Furthermore, the use of language in this play was just a literary representation of reality. Shakespeare’s plays were performed for masses either in set stages in the towns or as a luxury entertainment at the Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre. In order for viewers to identify with the plot and fully comprehend the nuanced relationships going on in the play, the application of conventional language by Shakespeare was therefore an imperative. Therefore, what was happening in England in this period was most probably reflected by Shakespeare’s adaptation of conventional language for his different groups of characters in the play.

We thus posit that AMND can in fact be seen as a picture of language change on various levels, capturing and highlighting the dynamism of English language. The motivations for variations within the language come from two threads. The first comes from a synchronic, snapshot picture of Early Modern English use during Shakespeare's time. Language use between clearly demarcated groups of characters is distinct from one other. For example, there is an awareness of synchronic variation in language dictated by class/ literacy and age (as represented by the difference between the older aristocracy and the young lovers/mechanicals.) Interestingly, on another level, it is also possible to view AMND as data for language change on a diachronic level -- change through history and time, represented by the differences between the lexis of the older aristocracy and the fairies. The examination of grammaticalisation also serves the same purpose of highlighting language change. It is through these dual threads, that the full dynamism of the English language is explored.

English is amazing. History is too:)

I thank God for bringing me on the right path, even though I was nearly sightless at the beginning. Everytime I do something which is so challenging, even though its hard and im stressed, but in a way im glad I AM being challenged. It was the academic rigour we were after all, like how Annabelle and I always console each other.

Today was our first blast of publicity for WMYC too. Gosh, I've been working on it for I-don't-know-how-long? But finally its out. Second blast on Monday. Gonna work on it and the timeline for the next few months over the weekend.

PAPER THREE!! im thinking of Mannequins now, need to flesh out an interesting argument first though.:x Presentation next friday!

Pop culture project! Theatre in Singapore: Good thesis but i've yet to start on it, oh dear.

Nation-Building Test! I have nothing to say about this really. haha. I guess its one of my least worries!

After this, its one more test, then THREE exams:)