Sorry Hiatus isn't really working

After the long weekend at home, and the peaceful Christian fellowship from my loved ones that I've experienced, I guess I have really come to a conclusion on many many things in my life.

For one, there's really one undeniable thing - I know I've said this many times, but I think I'm awesomely blessed by God. I've so many good things to count my blessings for, and although I may not be the most perfect person some other people may seem to fare better in, I know that given this time and circumstance, God's grace is indeed sufficient for me, and I should be content with that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not living in a bubble, or attempting to live in one. Baldwin and Eeghim were kidding today on how one of our team mate's signature in his email was something which went like "A vision for tomorrow brings a better future" or something and they were saying how they would like to return the email which said a signature like "There's no hope in tomorrow. Just study." Sometimes it really seems like we are caught in this crazy rat race, and we cant escape but to just be jaded with life and get things done. Well, sometimes when im really tired and burnt out, I succumb to this, but I often regret later on.

I guess one of the reason's why we were given a life, in the first place, was to experience life - for all its trials and tribulations, up and downs, joy or pain. If you dont feel pain, you dont know what joy is. And I guess this rings especially true for me since this year and the last has been most telling of what life can really be like. I can safely say I've experienced joy in the highest sense- and yes it wasn't experienced alone... the feeling of being invincible were there when we were together, no matter where we were. The immense feeling of joy every morning when I woke up, was irrepressible. But it was also this joy that made the pain all so bad and heart-wrenching. Im not sure if you've ever felt something heart-wrenching , yes but it really hurts, and I would never like to go through that again.


Also, the passing of my maternal granny and my paternal grandpa was as heart-wrenching, seeing my parents' grieve made everything 10 million times worst and for that no matter how busy I am, I have made a promise in my heart to always visit my grandparent's grave with my parents, whether at Qing Ming or an important date on the Chinese Calendar.

I guess one of the things I feel ready to talk about, is also about my parents. Yes Hwee, I've only told you so far! Well, they can be considered separated, and although we live under the same roof, nothing else seems to bind them. Not one word is exchanged between them and me and my sisters are often the medium the communication. I dont know exactly the history, but from young, its something I've learnt to get used too. It's most frustrating sometimes, especially when my sisters aren't in town, and im the only 'medium' left to deal with the situation. Now you guys can piece together the picture...why my family has so many cars, and why when my "parents" fetch me its just either my Dad or my Mum, and why when I go overseas with my family, I tend to want to fly back earlier, albeit alone, its to spend time with my Dad who will be staying in Sg, and many many million other considerations for me to always think twice, of how my decisions affect the two parties or the relationship between them.

One result of this, is also my inability to fully overtly convert to Catholicism or Christianity, because it will cause further breaks in my family, since my mum is Catholic and my Dad is Buddhist. I cant convert yet, because I cant bring myself to show im leaning to favouring of one side. For that, I really treasure every time I still am able to go to church with my mum, albeit with no Dad's blessing, but at least no hard feelings I guess. For that, I really treasure my relationship with God because it hasn't been easy and I am fully thankful I am always kept in His sight, because I 100% believe that He is the only one who fully understands me at any point of time, simply because life is way too complex for me to fully digest it and for anyone else who isn't in my shoes, to understand. And yes, despite hard times, my positivity is the greatest gift from God. And there is nothing I can be more thankful for.

But today, despite going through the tears and fears, I genuinely feel like I've come out of the whole episode, definitely not unscathed, but rugged, in the ability to deal with my emotions more maturedly and calmly. Sure I still snap at people and get agitated, but I think I look at issues at a more broader perspective - seeing how some peers at the same age have such great disaffections at the things which are perhaps the most unimportant to me makes me think again of what God has put me through, yes, what He put me through and think again of His Purpose for me in this life.

My Purpose in Life, I would like to think, is to be a walking creation of God's love, and to have a little positive impact on every single person I meet.

There was my renewal this coming Christian year, and now that God has Risen, its time for A New Beginning.:)

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Have to wake up in 3 hours, running to West Coast with Yanyan... then macs breakfast!:):) After that its studying with Sijia till lecture, Writing MOD then DU all the way till night. BUSY day but im looking forward to it.

TIll another time, love, meiyi