complain queen

Have you ever felt like a complain queen? Htht-ing to people I select very exclusively (I feel a little bad here), and thus I have been particularly feeling like one these few weeks... and even my body is getting irritated with myself -- Pangs of wanting to puke and dizzy spells...so strange. And no, I dont have low blood, in fact one of the things I know of myself really well is how good my blood circulation is, haha by the sheer fact that I become as red as a lobster after a run...it scares everyone...

So, I packed my bag and went home on Tuesday right after Nation Building Lecture! Missed Command in hall:(:( Wednesday was spent at home, and while making bread for myself, like walking around the kitchen, I had a sudden urge to collapse again! omg, so like I literally ran to the couch in my living room and lay down. I feel bad for making my mum feel so worried:(:( but I ended up sleeping till noon, and after that it was smses that kept me alive, and kinda getting me through my work. Exams in ELEVEN DAYS, YO?

Anyway besides my health, which, is of course, not going too well, I have been trying to get my life back on track. For many it would seem like it has been going okay and normal, but for a few of you who know me all too well, thank you so much:) Really these few weeks have been hell and Im not sure how I would be still alive for you guys.Those timely smses, those msn convos (even when im appearing offline), those encouragements (thanks Chiawen, I hope you see this:)), I guess things aren't that bad as it may sound, but still.

In terms of schoolwork, I think I honestly put too much pressure on myself, thats how I am really so I dont complain to people how foolish I can be sometimes, but sometimes I really want to stab myself, especially today! after talking to Prof Huang, omg. Can you imagine, he thought I was having some serious bgr and family problems?? hahaha. cos he expected much more frm me, after checking my background of being in vj and being in usp and all, like omg! shocked! So I told him about the other modules I was doing (taking too many on my plate), having lots of non-academia things to do and err, the basic fact that I start on term essays the night before, rushing out incoherent sentences and handing it up, finally, 15 min late too. He was relieved and I was glad I put his mind at ease I guess, but hurr, if he thinks this way, I think Dr. Tan thinks so too, since these two mods were kinda put in the backseat. :(

But then I came back, and looked through my whole life again. Starting from Sem 1 -- Highly active in Cross Country, shaved personal p.b by quite a lot, settling into hall and getting into gazillion comms, passing my big music exam; getting into WMYC Student OC, picking up and playing Touch Rug for IFG; and getting a pretty satisfactory cap, which left me in pleasant shock while in Dubai:)

BUT Sem 2: NO time for Cross, finishing hall committments + HPB; tasked with recruitment for WMYC; roadrace IFG; Writing Mod for USP and being nearly twice as busy then sem 1 = no way am I going to get that cap again. And this realisation has made me really depressed, and wondering if everything is worth it. To lose something that came not as easily as I would have liked it to be?

I emailed my sister, and asked her to help me judge from her very third-person perspective, haha. She doesnt even see me day to day, so its pretty unbiased. She said, my two pages worth of CCA committments, would be what I remembered next time. However, she said studies would be what people looked at, next time. She then left it up to me, if I am affected by what people judge me from my grades, then I should quit hall, go home, and iron out my life with books, and get married soon enough and live life as its supposed to be. No point wasting time knowing more people whom we may get inspired by, only to be disappointed. No point doing things other than studies, since those things dont bring us the grades, or the Masters Scholarship I want. No point.

Perhaps, perhaps thats a way out. At least it will release me of the stress I put myself in -- working so hard for committees, be in faculty, hall or ccas. I should just be a 'normal' student, go home, work hard, get a few tuition kids and get rich asap.


It's this semi-conviction, that I should stop being so willful and doing things that other people dont really have the chance to do so anyway.But its my heart which calls me back.

Just 3 hours ago, when I decided to have one of the last meals this sem with my block, (cos eating hotpot tmr awesomezz!) I joined the block comm to jio people. Walked past da zei's rm and he was asking where I had been. That was atimely reminder that im often out of sorts, when im not around, or not well.. and be it telepathy or not, the time he wanted to find me (the time I was home) was coincidentally the time I probably need that particular htht the most.

The humanly feeling which makes you go all warm and homely at home -- how to make this known on papers and how to tell my employers next time? I mean, I dont think I was just born to give you good results. I dont want to be, even if you give me the chance.

So how, where do we go from here?

Open-ended questions are the easiest to score in exams (at least I think so) but the hardest to answer in life.