When i see you, i run out of words to say

I've just had my first mid-term test in university, how exciting, i actually skipped my whole day of classes just to mug for the test. Thing is, how it has always been with history, you really have to study the W.H.O.L.E thing for every single test/ exam. I mean history is about causes and effect and somehow you feel helpless if you have no clue what happened before eg. 1776 even though if you are just talking about the impact of the eventful year of 1776. Fortunately or unfortunately, its my favourite subject still.

Thing about me is that I get really angry with myself if I dont put in my best. Like you get the stabbing feeling, do you feel that way sometimes? Thats why for A'Levels i made sure i put in my best and after that i knew the results wouldn't really matter (well, of course it did matter a bit) but that part you can't really help right.

I want to carry on with that mentality in university as well - the spirit of doing my best and even if you fail, its not because you failed failed but because its just not meant for you. I want to be an extremist in this way- i want to do everything I can in my own ability as an imperfect human being. I want to aim for Yale for exchange even though I know im going to be equally happy if i go to say Penn State instead. I want to aim for U Penn even though I might not even end up there.

So when things get in my way, I just get the feeling I'm not doing the right thing.

I wonder if it's too late to turn back.

Plus i really hate the feeling of being possibly fake, can't take it when you see the ugly side of things and how you just have to live with it and not do anything about it.

It just culminates within you and you either become numb or you just quit. I'll prefer to quit, this time round.