new

Bintan was good, but upon coming back to Sg, its like plunging back into reality. Plunging with hands on my nose though, because I won’t say I didn’t expect what has happened so far, although I won’t say I was fully prepared.

For one, hall so far has been giving me a rather different experience from what Year 1 gave - the group of people I’ve been hanging out with are different...this isn’t bad, but revisits from those of the ‘past’ and doing like-minded activities strike a chord within me that I know these are the only things I ever wanna do, and never change..now this is bad. When I commit to activities, it’s because I’m purely helping friends out, like based on one-to-one individual friendships rather than being committal to the idea of the event itself...which makes me feel so conflicted so much of the time... Also, not only do I miss those not here anymore, but I also miss those still here... It feels so distant when I see them with their new freshies/friends or doing new stuff because it’s something I can’t help, yet i’m still struggling for some control.

Maybe its still holiday period for everyone but me (because of having to go back to school) so I kinda see things from a distance, rather than being submerged in the entire thing.

Despite of how my attitude as a KR person has changed quite abit, I will still say I hold it close to my heart for the many amazing memories it has given me, the small friendships that go the distance (that others really don’t know about) and has helped me so much last year.

Maybe I should throw any expectations away and hit the ‘refresh’ button.

I have been feeling very upbeat for some time, think its because I've been getting sufficient rest, or at least when i dont, im doing things I enjoy, like catching up with people over supper, watching movies or films, camps like swoc. During the day, if im not doing WMYC stuff (which has been a great experience in USP), or working (earning money yay), or training (improving fitness), im seeing friends and going out catching worldcup matches, having a drink or two. Or best still, having relatively more time at home, and spending quality time with my Mum and Dad. Also, I finally get time to organise outings for people, which is great cos i get to make the call on who's invited hahaha tsk tsk. but yea, basically being a more proactive friend, something I miss being, being so caught up during school term and seeming to be always on the receiving end.


During this holidays, I've been out of the house for a substantial amount of time, with school and all (above-mentioned) but my Dad never fails to buy my favourite breakfast from the nearby market everyday. This is despite me perhaps not even waking up for it, as I'm nocturnal some days. He also loves it when I sleep in, and creeps in to give me pocket money, because he knows I dont get enough sleep, although sometimes it becomes horrible when he quarrels with my mum when she wakes me up, cos yup she doesn't really like the idea of a nocturnal life in our house. He also never fails to catch at least half an hour of soccer matches with me during those few times I catch the match at home. Basically, my dad goes out of the way to show that he loves me and for that, I never want him to fetch me from the mrt station (unless im really tired) or want extra cash from him or want anything more that he already gives. He's getting on with age too and I dont want to expedite that! haha.

Even though its super hard shuffling between both of them, and with my sis overseas we dont really have each other that much anymore, but I guess this has helped me alot in life. Being independent to me, is alot more than just washing my own clothes, settling my own meals and making my own decistions (actually alot of this, I realise, my Mum still does haha) but its so much more than that... There was once, my dad was furious with my mum for waking me up -- She woke me up at 8am cos I had promised my dad the previous day i would follow him to HDB hub before he went to work. But cos SMOO krubbing was the day before I only slept at 6am, I was probably still in deep sleep then. So my dad wanted to let me continue sleeping, but yup cos i'd already promised, and of course because clubbing should never be a valid excuse for skipping other more important things, my mum was helping me keep my promise. So, to appease the both of them, I got up, and got ready super fast, and had to put on a front that I was ultra awake and even hungry (totally not because my tummy was actually pretty uncomfortable from the alcohol the previous night), because breakfast is a norm with my dad on weekday mornings. So yea I kinda appeased Dad by showing that you know, waking up early was really ok for me! So dad was happy, and well I think my mum was proud of me, for having mental and physical resilience hahah.

I was just thinking today, despite the challenges God has given me these past few years, I think I'm ultra-blessed, because I have such loving parents, despite still having a relatively dysfunctional family, I still thank God for giving me a Dad and a Mum, well even if they can't coexist together. Mum was just telling me that day that they might be filing for separation by the end of the next 3 years, (although this goes together with having to sell our house now) and I guess I'm mature enough to let her know that I support her decision whatever it may be, and that I'd still love her and my Dad as much as I've always.

Staying at home has been so very important to me, and hall life on a everyday basis during school term has re-emphasized that.

Also, I think I'm very blessed, cos God has been such a constant for me. In fact, He has been the only constant in my life. I like to keep Him with me all the time, although I know I dont show it all the time (forgetting to say Grace and sometimes my nightly prayers). I just pray that He reads my heart all the time, and help me by always giving me good intentions and to be a good person, someone in His likeness, which is not easy, because I believe that it is important to stay relevant in today's world, that means dealing with things like clubbing (often a no-no to many pious Christians) and hanging out with friends who might be not be as good influences (many smokers sigh), whilst not losing my own values.

Lastly I guess I'm lucky because I always have good friends, who read my sincerity with their own. Sincere friends are the most important to me, even if we might not meet up constantly. I guess this has to be one of the most important values I appreciate in friends. I'll accept all your vices just as long as you are sincere and honest with me. :):):) awwww. haha.

Alright, this should be a pretty comprehensive update.
You can see my other academic/ minor rantings on www.onedose.tumblr.com:) best still, add me on twitter hahahaha.

Till the next time, cheers!
<3

My biggest fault was not allowing God to take me on the healing process, and me trying to handle it all on my own.

Thanks C for letting me know something I've not been able to admit.

True happiness sets in from now onwards:)

Maybe I'm aunt agony to too many, Im starting to be brought down too. Finding it harder to let my own happiness spread to others, lest does it keep me feeling invincible.

So when I get the feeling that I can conquer all, I'll remember it forever and hold on to it tight.

Update

A compilation of some photos taken since the holidays kicked in, I have some reservations calling it summer because I realised its quite a pseudo-angmoh term, since well, Singapore doesn't have 4 seasons. :)

Its been quite an awesome few weeks, and I've taken on responsibility to take down on my notebook what I've been doing everyday. Coping back at home (after not staying home on a daily basis for 1 year) has also been something new, yet still familiar: helping out with housework, kind of taking over what my mum has to do without me around, spending more time with my parents, and basically showing I treat home more than just a hotel, as I realise sometimes my schedule forces me to do -- the early mornings back home and then resting 4 hours before heading back to school/ work.

Also, due to the lack of time/energy, I've been forced to prioritise many activities for friends: in this sense, I realise I really have to spend my time where its worth, get what I mean? And also looking long-term...what do I want to keep? Definitely my friendships with sec school pals, vj girls and cca mates and of course some others, some hall friends, and crossers and church mates, and really its a done deal, I really dont have much time left. Also going back to school almost every 3 out of 5 weekdays keep me on the move.

Had a good talk about life over some Edinburgh yesterday and yes, I believe with God to help me, I'm on the right track.

Being perfectly honest about what one wants is really not easy, but we've got to keep striving, because only our true self warrants true reciprocal happiness and satisfaction. No more putting up fronts just to accomodate people, but of course we've got to stay reasonable too, that shouldn't be a problem. :p (This is applicable to both social networking as well as the academics uhhuh)

Time to pull some handbrakes.

Have been on cloud 9 since CBB ended, cos thats when school really sorta 'ended' for me, one month later than everyone.

So I have been out everyday, everyday, then every dawn :(
Time to pull some handbrakes, before I lose myself.

Everything in moderation, people!

LL if you see this, run tgt soon, we needa talk!:)

Was looking through the botanics photos on fb, and I just realised that I miss the crossers, alot. and I don't know why. Every time I sneak time to go for trainings once in a while, it seems like I can't get enough. Does running together and squeezing our lungs out forge special bonds, or is it just me again, to think the better of everything more than it actually is?

Have been in school conducting interviews, training later. 10 x 2 min 45s. omgggg.

The people I've been seeing everyday for the last 3 weeks

The people I've been seeing everyday every minute every hour for the last 3 weeks, as well as during semester 2. They've seen me upset, angry, cry, gone, happy, crazy, mad. Yep, I guess we're all gonna be relieved once CBB is over, but then again everything has mixed feelings doesn't it.



This time last year, I thought this was the most awesomest camp I'd ever had. Now its our turn to create this experience for 80 more.

Im soo confused by what you are saying -- are you trying make to make me be disillusioned about everything and forget about it, in entirety I mean, or did that really happen? Did it?

Because if it did, I guess its just reflective of our sparring relationship, love-hate, me demanding more from you that I did of myself. If its the latter, I'd apologise, but i wont feel sorry.

That's just the way it is now, like camille says, if we hold on to the past too tight, there can be no future.

It's tough to be man.

On another note: I HAD THE MOST AWESOMEST 20TH BIRTHDAY because I had absolutely zero expectations and I was thrown off everytime a surprise came. HPB's one was the funnest cos they made me do some hulas before I could eat the cake, and the Crossers' ones was sweet. OMG but paiseh because after the 11k run at Macritchie, I had this really bad stomachache, and I was in the toilet long enough for them to get themselves super organised and all hiding behind this platform thing HAHA.

Thank you friends, really. I feel 100 up!:)

Another funny episode:
Status: Me catching 40 winks at 7pm after waking at 7am

Phone rings : I see Annabelle Leow calling and our pretty photo pops up.

I answer, blur me hears a boy's voice.

Check. Annabelle Leow.

Oh wait, ok its Wei Xian.

Me: Hi Wei Xian!

Wei Xian: Halo. Happy birthday. * i hear leow's voice in the background.

Me: Ah, I lie back and close my eyes.

Wei Xian: "Leow asks if you want a smooching(couldnt really catch this btw) kiss"

Me: "Err, ok!"

Wei Xian: "huh , you really want ah."

Me: "Why not, if you can lor."

... ... ...

HAHA.

was telling my mum Im good pals with so many people's boyfriends hahahaa. and thats just cos my ex used to take care of them too so i expect the same returns ok.

In my sis's terms: Buy 1 get 7 free.

Girls, hear this???:):):)